Sand Painting: Taiwanese Advertising Style

I'm sold, CONSUMER WHORE WILL... UH... go to zoo? AND BUY KITSCHY STUFFED ANIMAL SCHLONGS!!!

I Don't Do This All The Time...

But the following texts are so brilliant that I'd be remiss if I don't post it.

Received via email from a friend, sorry mystery source, no linky!

Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old..

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.
It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

I can't quite figure out why the "bears" tag is involved, but I figure it must.

Wil Wheaton Wears A Clown Sweater...

He caught the bug, and spread it to the rest of the crew:

Apparently people have nightmares about that sweater.

Consequence of Gay Marriage

SHIT WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

The best 8 minutes 33 seconds I've spent in a while.

Stolen from wingy:

Kseniya Simonova is a Ukrainian artist who just won Ukraine's version of "America's Got Talent." She uses a giant light box, dramatic music, imagination and "sand painting" skills to interpret Germany's invasion and occupation of Ukraine during WWII.

It starts with the original radio announcement on June 22, 1941 German army invading the Soviet Union. Followed by very popular songs written about the WWII. In short, it's a story about a woman that loses her loved one in that war, but their child is a memory of their love. The last words are: "You are always near me".

The Inglourious Plummers

Here is the official trailer for The Inglourious Basterds.

Really though, no embedding? Do we still live in 2003?

Well Now There Is A Protest I Can Get Behind

Actually... no, I can't, I didn't really like Arrested Development.

An Ok Thing

This Video Is Called "Meow Mix"

Words can not defy(defy? don't I mean express? I need to stop drinking!) the horror that rests in the pit of my stomache only to rise up and choke me to stop this abomination against everything that is rainbows and baby smiles.

Desktop Cat Wears A Cool Shade.

Ha ha ha I don't know what's going on.

Here is the link for more: Fuck Yeah Cats!
You are welcome.

Soup Of The Day

Man I love soup.

The Man Who Walked The World

Stolen from Warren Ellis:

This is an ad for Johnnie Walker whisky. Not a brand I’m especially fond of. But this five-and-a-half-minute film, with actor Robert Carlyle narrating the history of Johnnie Walker, is really very well done. Yes, it’s an ad, coming from the ad industry’s vile notion of "helping companies to tell their stories…" But Johnnie Walker’s been around a long time, and has an actual story to tell. More importantly, this is a story elegantly and charmingly told, by one of my favourite actors.

Edit: Apparently all the youtube links were taken down in order to raise internet ire... at least, that's all I can find out about it.

You can still find the video here, unless they've been taken down as well.

I am suddenly overtaken by an unimaginable thirst that can only be quenched by any scotch that's not Johnnie Walker... which helps in the fact that I just drank my last, oh Grouse, you are my only friend...

The Following Images Can Be Easily Explained.

Well, long pants are ... I mean... long, and you never know when you may need a water kettle.


So that there is what appears to be a girl, sitting in a bathtub, perusing a heavy binded period article, drenched in white sauce. A typical Thursday night, really.


Ah, of course, wearing your favorite bikini-croc and trucker hat combo, wielding a bottle of J&B and a chainsaw whilst dancing on top of a sheriff's car. This would have been a perfectly normal Saturday night on the East side except that I know, for a fact, that I just did that two hours ago. Really, I mean, doesn't everybody?


And that's my arresting photograph, I managed to get my cloth back on. The officer didn't.

Difference Between Vegans And Carnivores...

This omnivore is just confused...

Care Bears And Bikinis In The Men's Room

It's... A... Um... It's A Crab Cat.

*shrugs*

Most People Won't Remember Why Catherine II Was Called Catherine The Great...

They would only remember a particularly fallacious rumor:

According to a quick Google search, by the way, showed that she died of a stroke, not the magnificent and possibly horrifyingly hilarious ending that we all just kind of accepted as a fact.

And of course, I have to put this in or I'll never be able to find this picture in the later years: Horse Fucker.

If you performed an image search for "Horse Fucker" and came to this blog, WELCOME!

The Steve Irwin Found A New Captain.

Meet Captain Cat:

Or would that be the first mate? Meh, it can't be any worse then their old one.

You have no idea what I'm talking about? Then count your blessings that you were never subjected to the unmitigated oxygen thievery on the scale of a global disaster that is WHALE WARS.

So You Think Your Highschool Prank Was Good?

Ours involved a dated penis.

It was so good, in fact, that it wasn't discovered until a full year later.

I am completely ashamed that I completely missed this, it happened last year, in the midst of my blogging frenzy, and I completely missed it.

Streaming John

DANGER

They day that man teaches dogs to wield guns is the day that mankind has doomed itself.

You don't believe me? EVEN AFTER THIS:
A Memphis, Tenn., man is in critical condition Wednesday after his dog shot him in the back.

I laughed so hard that a quantum cat materialized in my living room, got scared, then vaporized itself, that was how much I laughed at the headline. Oh, and there's this:
Hunter recovering after being shot by dog

They aren't even trying and they are killing us! Dogs, the silent but adorable and possiblity mentally retarded killer.

How Cash For Clunker Works...

You bring in your old car, and you leave with a new car, but what do the dealership do with your old car?

Well, they go and have it washed, of course!

I Stared At This Picture For About Five Hours...

I still have no idea what the hell is going on.

FIRE, CONAN, FIRE!

Balloon Jesus

I can't get over the feeling that I totally misspelled "balloon".

That inflatable Jesus, by the way, got some insane abs.

Snakes Likes To Eat...

Why Does The Iraqis Want US to Leave?

Oh...

Arrested Development

This Post Is About Toes...